Friday CPR

Friday, April 30

2010-04-30T15:05:00.000-04:00

Some people get to have drinks with umbrellas. We get cupcakes!

Sweet!

Friday, April 23 - The Apology

2010-04-24T23:24:00.000-04:00

This was shared with me by a teacher who had reprimanded a third grader for hitting another child. She had him write a letter of apology.

Dear .............................,

I'm sorry for touching you.  I could
made another choice. 1 count backward from 10
2 think of something plesant. 3 Drain my
anger out 4 find somthing to punch. But
for my disison was I diserve a punishm
ent, and this is my diserve missing
resses. I know what I did is wrong
and I hope I choose something else
to do if I'm angry. You are a great
friend and I respect that . I know you
will be a great leader and make the
world a better place. Follow good deeds
and orders and you will be a great
leader. I bileve in you, forever.

Wish you luck!

PS Hope you find this note exepible
for the apoligey.

                                Sensealy,
                                .............................

Friday, April 16 - What's It Gonna Cost Ya?

2010-04-16T18:13:00.000-04:00

After those hand blow dryers were installed in the student bathrooms to cut down on costs - and mess - one little girl came out of the bathroom and told the aftercare workers -

"Do you know they charge a quarter for a paper towel now?"

If she put a quarter in she'd be very disappointed. It's empty. It's the Kotex machine that hasn't been used in years due to grade level changes in the school. It's still there on the wall though. Much easier that way. Then no one has to patch the wall, or paint it for that matter. Just a piece of metallic history.

Friday, April 9 - I See Dead Squirrels

2010-04-16T18:01:00.000-04:00

A call to the office:

Teacher: "Just wanted to report there's a dead squirrel next to the gazebo."

Secretary: "Okay. We'll get the custodian to remove it."

Secretary calls the custodian on the walkie-talkie: "There's a dead squirrel next to the gazebo."

Custodian: "Okay. I'll take care of it."

Custodian calls the secretary: "Where did you say the squirrel was?"

Secretary: "Between the school and the gazebo. Why?"

Custodian: "I don't see any dead squirrels."

Secretary: "Let me call the teacher."

Secretary to teacher: "Where did you see the squirrel? The custodian can't find it."

Teacher to class: "Class, where did the squirrel go?"

Class: "The custodian took it."

Teacher to secretary: "They said the custodian took it."

Secretary: "He didn't take it. He can't find it."

Teacher: "Well, they TOLD me it was dead."

What I wanted to say: "And you called without looking?"

Friday, March 26 - Budgets, Damn Budgets

2010-03-29T10:27:00.000-04:00

It's been an interesting month. I've attended three Board of Education meetings in the last three weeks, all of them dealing with our school budget.

Due to major cuts in state financial aid, our BoE had to come up with $2.5M in cuts. Half of that was a surprise and they had less than 28 hours to come up with sufficient cuts to make up the difference.

My job could be in jeopardy, but thus far I am safe. Some of the cuts that were made are still being reviewed and of course, if they should be reinstated, the money will have to come from elsewhere.

I won't go into much more detail other than to say that the Governor of New Jersey and the State Commissioner of Education are very good at putting out propaganda. I dare say that they've not had very good teachers of their own otherwise they would realize that their math skills are sadly lacking. Not to mention the failure to give accurate and complete information to the public.

The final budget hearing is this Wednesday night and I will know definitively at that point if I will still be employed after this contract year.

What scares me though is one of the cuts that they've already made. They've cut the copy clerk. Yes, our district has a centralized copy center that our teachers send their copywork to. The clerk takes care of the copywork for our four schools. Our individual school copiers are supposed to be used for emergency purposes only. I repeat "supposed" to be.

The plan is that they will send the two big copiers to the two biggest schools, and the two smaller schools, one of which is the one I work in, will be using their own machines.

I asked my principal who exactly would be doing this copywork and he said that he would have the teachers do their own. This is the plan for the district.

Now here is why I'm scared. I have a lot of respect for teachers, but sometimes I find that they do not necessarily make the best students. Especially when the job is out of their comfort zone or expertise. They will have to be "trained" in the proper use of the copy machine. This will be easy for some and beyond the dignity of others.

When I first started working in this office there was a copier in the faculty room for the teachers. At one point someone came into the office and said it wasn't working. They had been trying to make an overhead and the overheads just kept disappearing in the machine. So they gave up and came to ask us to make one on the office copier. Upon inspection of the faculty copier, it would no longer make copies of any kind so the service tech had to be called. When he brought up the hunk of plastic that was found inside the machine we could only joke that someone had been trying to make jewelry in the copier.

Now there will be terms like "collated" and "uncollated", "double-sided from double-sided" and "double-sided from single-sided", "sorted"or "stacked". These terms, while simple in theory need you to really think through the job. And yes, they have had to indicate some of these on the forms that they are now sending to the copy center, but the trick now will be to actually match it up with the function of the machine.

I am scared because some of them are having difficulty operating a coffee pot without making a mess and now they'll be expected to operate a machine worth thousands of dollars.

Do you think I'm worrying for nothing? How long before this becomes part of my job?

Friday, March 19 - Messages for the Principal

2010-03-19T00:29:00.000-04:00

File this under "Things I Never Thought I Would Have to Write in a Message to My Principal":

Mr. Smith sent Joseph to the office because Joseph grabbed Henry by the breasts and twisted them.

Friday, March 12 - K-Cups

2010-03-12T14:18:00.000-05:00

We got a new coffee pot for the staff to use. It's one of the Keurig pots and we basically got the pot for free from the supplier and each teacher orders their own box of K-cups that they keep in their room and brew when they want. I sent out a brief e-mail to the staff with some guidelines regarding the use of the coffee pot, including not leaving the water chamber empty for the next person, clean-up, etc. The "goodwill" that this new machine brought lasted about one day.

"Someone's not throwing their K-cup away when they're done" I was told. (So you take it out and throw it away when you throw yours away.)

"They're going to burn out the heating element if they don't put water in" was another comment. (The machine is programmed not to let that happen. If it breaks, we'll call the company."

"We need a garbage can near the coffee pot so we remember to throw away the K-cups." (The garbage can is 20 feet away. Why should the custodian have to empty a wastebasket into a garbage can in the same room?)

I wonder what a teacher in their classroom would do if they put a new, let's see.........., a new electric pencil sharpener in their room and they started getting complaints like.....

"Tommy's point broke off his pencil in the sharpener and he left it there."

"Cindy didn't empty the sharpener when she was done. She said the garbage can was too far away."

I think they'd get tired of these complaints really fast.

And so did I.

So here is the e-mail I sent to the staff in an effort to keep it humorous:

Subject: K-Cups

No, this is not the start of some dirty joke – however, I’ve been “notified” (several times) that someone is leaving their K-Cups in the coffee pot for the next person to throw away. Since you can bring in your K-Cups from home if you have them, I’m sharing this with everyone and not pointing any fingers.

This is new and I’m sure we’ll all get better at it.

You know I really don’t want to have to be the “Coffee Police” because then I’d also have to remind you to fill the water reservoir up when it gets low and don’t leave that for the next person to do.

Okay, done now. Have a great day!!!

Coffee anyone?

Friday, February 26 - Multi-tasking

2010-03-02T18:30:00.000-05:00

Bits and pieces of conversations filter across my desk usually when I’m multi-tasking. By multi-tasking I mean answering the phone, pushing the doorbell to let someone in, and possibly also writing out a late pass all at the same time. First thing in the morning and the last half hour before the end of school are the busiest times closely followed by lunch times.

People come and go on a regular basis and it just amazes me what parents are willing to do for their kids today. I think we enable them by letting them use the telephone. I know when I was in school (we’re talking the 60’s and early 70’s), you wouldn’t think to ask to use the phone to call home for something you might have forgotten. Sure, if you got sick, or injured, or had some kind of “accident” the school nurse might reach out to your parents, but there were no phone calls made by students.

Even when my kids were in school (and they’re not yet into their 30’s), the phone was to be used for emergencies only. Not these days. At least not in our school. The students are allowed to call home for just about anything. And they do.

This is why I was extremely annoyed, disturbed, pissed off, last week when we had an emergency early dismissal due to snow and I got reamed out by a parent for not letting her child use the phone in the office.

That day was a continual “multi-tasking” day as the phones hardly stopped ringing and there were drop-in parents that came to pick up their children. I’m surprised I even got to eat most of my lunch.

But rather than vent anymore about that, here is a snippet of a conversation that went on in the office while I was busy with something else –

“Are you into French and Nazi’s?”

Hmmm, maybe I’m glad I missed that one.

Friday, February 19 - Wacky Holidays

2010-02-20T10:55:00.000-05:00

We post our daily announcements on a dry erase board behind my desk because 9 times out of 10 the office staff is either on the phone or dealing with some other morning emergency when the announcements are made and when asked about them later in the day, as we sometimes are, we found that we weren't able to answer because we didn't hear them. So this has worked out quite nicely even though it means updating on a daily basis.

When there's nothing of importance going on during a particular day - no trips, assemblies, special events - I visit a website that lists wacky holidays and, if it's appropriate enough for our school age level, I'll write that on the board. It sometimes provides for a little chuckle when the announcer reads it for the first time.

For instance there were a couple of holidays announced this week. National Battery Day (Without which we wouldn't have hand-held video games, cell phones, and flashlights to name a few) - get a charge out of that one!!!

Then there was Chocolate Mint Day. No specific reason for it, but it does provoke conversation and made all the more sweeter when you receive a chocolate mint. Yes it was a slow week as far as activities go.

But the biggest kick I got out of it this week was when we posted Random Acts of Kindness Day. We thought it might encourage some to be a little kinder during the day.

I had a teacher let me know that I could honor her with a Random Act of Kindness. She said "if you're looking to do something nice for someone you can start with me".

Ummmm, that kind of defeats the meaning of RANDOM - don't you think!

Friday, February 12 - Snow Day Rituals

2010-02-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

Earlier this week the weather prognosticators were forecasting a nor'easter for our area. Of course there was much talk about it in the office. Would we really get the snow? When would it start? How much do you think we'll get? Do you think they'll close school? Do you think we'll have more than one day off? Yes, it was buzzing with thoughts of a possible snow day (or two).

The conversation took a turn when someone brought up snow day rituals. For anyone who lives in a warmer climate year round you might not be familiar with these, but here are several that were discussed. (You're supposed to do these things to get a snow day, but they'll only work (ha!) if there's actually snow forecasted.)

You can........

- Wear your pajamas inside out.

- Wear your pajamas backwards.

- Wear your pajamas inside out and backwards.

- Put a plastic spoon under your pillow.

- Put a metal spoon under your pillow.

- Put a metal spoon upside-down under your pillow.

- Flush ice cubes down the toilet.

- Leave a bucket of ice cubes on the front porch.

Any or all of the above may or may not bring about a snow day. You know they're only superstitions.

Now, I don't know how many students or staff actually did any of these things but we wound up with not one, but two snow days starting Wednesday. Tack that onto a planned four day weekend and we've had quite a little mid-winter vacation.

Of course, these days will be added onto the end of the school year for the teachers and the students, but I don't care, because as a twelve-month employee I will have to be there in June anyway.

My daughter who teaches in Delaware - a state further south than where I live I might add - will have had a 10-day break because they were already out of school on snow days when the second storm hit. And after being cooped up indoors for so long, this is what will happen..........

You put on your wings and your tutu and you shovel snow. I think this should be a snow day requirement for anyone who wears their pajamas inside-out backwards upsidedown, whatever. Flush some ice cubes down the toilet, get out your Halloween costume and be prepared. You could end up on the internet!

Friday, February 5th - I'm a Little Worried

2010-02-05T00:26:00.000-05:00

Things to worry about this week:

The fact that there are two 8-foot tables in the hallway covered with items from the Lost and Found that don't seem to belong to anybody. (We're talking probably a good portion of the Children's Department at WalMart.)

The fifth grade girl who still skips down the hallway. (They're going to eat her alive in 6th grade!)

The fourth grade boy who, despite several visits with the principal, still tries to "kiss the girls". (His shenanigans are "escalating" to inappropriate behavior with a pencil.)

The first outbreak of head lice for this school year. (And the fact that the child sat on the upholstered chair across the counter from me.)

The head of maintenance who won't respond on the walkie-talkie when the security company calls to say that we have an alarm going off. (Oh really? Is that what that is???)

The forecast of snow during the morning commute. (How many more teachers can do a 360 on their way to work. We had three last week. Will we break the record without breaking any bones?)

Getting that 5 a.m. call that we're having a delayed opening and wondering if I have the most current copy of the phone chain by my beside when the person I have to call doesn't answer and I have call the next person on the list. (Try explaining that at 5 in the morning!)

Finding out that there was a problem with report cards in November while I was out on medical leave and no one bothered to report it until this week when they're due. (And oh, did I mention the tech person is OUT OF THE COUNTRY!)

Kidding with my boss, as he's headed out the door to a budget meeting, that they'll probably want to eliminate the school clerk positions and he says dead seriously that that came up at the last meeting and they decided not too! (Geez, I was just kidding, but now you've got me a little worried!)

Friday, January 29 - Blogus Interruptus

2010-01-30T11:31:00.000-05:00

First let me say that I weathered my second abdominal surgery within a year and returned to work mid-December. Since then I have been trying to decide whether to continue with this blog or not. There were some things I needed to think about. Mainly, what was the purpose of this blog.

I heard someone refer to it as the place where I bitch about work, and yes, I guess it is the place where I bitch about work. But I had intended it to be something more.

I think most people have those moments where in a given situation you say "you can't make these things up!" These situations are not always funny, in fact, most times they're sad, and I don't mean that in a "make you cry" way. They're sad because they usually arise from the lack of some basic human characteristic. I find a lot of it is a lack of common sense, but we also see a lack of thoughtfulness, a lack of respect, and the mind set that "it's all about me".

In my job I am exposed to a large number of people and thus a multitude of personalities. I could, and I do on some occasions, let it get the best of me and get pissed off. But there's not much I can do about that. I've bitten my tongue so many times that it's a wonder there aren't pieces missing. Yes, I have been known to "snap" a few times, but in my own defense, it takes an awful lot of pushing to get me there. (And most people know to stay away from me first thing in the morning!)

So, what am I trying to do here? I guess keeping my sanity has a lot to do with it. I know I'm not trying to air any dirty laundry or get back at anyone. And although I wouldn't mind not working, I'm sure not trying to lose my job. I hope that my postings have been generic enough and free of specifics to keep it that way. (Taking the advice of Vodkamom.)

I really didn't think that my postings would be missed as I've not gotten a lot of commenting in the past (which is okay but, hey, who doesn't need a pat on the back now and then). But since I have heard from a few people privately I will continue with it.

Let me just say - I make no guarantee to entertain you, but I do hope that you'll be laughing or crying or just shaking your head in disbelief when you leave here - enough so you might want to come back.

Afterall, it's only once a week. I can commit to that.

Friday, December 4 - Jesus and the Copy Machine

2009-12-04T00:01:00.001-05:00

We have a copy machine in one of our faculty rooms. It’s a dinosaur. It’s so old, they can’t even get parts for it anymore and pieces of it are actually missing. But despite the abuse it got, it kept plugging along.

Last year, there was a rumor that the machine was going and there would be another one. Well that didn’t happen. Something about the budget not being passed the year before, I think. So we kept the service contract on it, and kept our fingers crossed that if it needed to be fixed the repairman could make it happen. And thankfully they did.

Then, at the end of June when the service contract expired, the decision was made not to renew. Why spend the money and take the chance? We still had to pay for the toner cartridges which are about $400. So the copier was left to die a slow death.

Sometime over the summer, the machine started faltering. Messages were appearing on an almost daily basis saying that the toner was low, or it needed a different size paper, or that there was a paper jam. It really didn’t know what it was it needed because most of the time these things were fixable by just turning the machine off and on again. But we knew that the toner was low and there was just no way that we were going to spend another $400 to replace the cartridge. So we just ignored the messages.

Well, that all started in July when there were only one or two teachers who were using it. Then came September when everyone returned and the word spread quickly that the copier was on it’s last legs. Day-to-day really. This didn’t stop them from using it however.

It also didn’t stop the service company from trying to collect monthly service payments. Each month when the statement came in, I would call them and tell them that we hadn’t renewed the contract and they would assure me that it would be taken off the books and we wouldn’t receive any more mailings.

The machine made it through September. We got another bill. I called. Same message.

The machine made it through October. By now we were referring to it as the miracle machine comparing the toner to the “fishes and loaves”, because for all intents and purposes, there was no way it should have lasted that long.

Then it made it through October. Once again, we were billed. Once again I called and tried to explain to them that this machine didn’t deserve service it deserved to die a quiet death. I was overheard making this statement and had some people really concerned that I was actually talking about a living being.

Well, once again, I was assured that we would no longer get billed for monthly service. And, shortly before I went on leave, the machine finally printed it’s last copy.

Now I don’t know if those bills were the magic that kept it alive. But I do know that there was probably a lot of prayer going on by the staff to keep the blessed thing operating as long as it did.

Oh, and I checked my work e-mail last week (I had some more surgery and have been out on sick leave) and guess what? They’ve ordered a new copier!!!!

I hope they don’t think they’ll always get what they pray for.

Friday, November 6 - What Did You Say?

2009-11-06T00:33:00.000-05:00

We have an afterschool program held at school know as INTRAMURALS. The students sign up and for ten sessions they can basically have an extended phys ed period afterschool.

The rules are that once your parent signs you up, you must stay unless you have a note saying otherwise.
These notes prove to be very interesting based on the name of the program alone.

"Intramurals" becomes, most often "Intermurals". A common and understandable mistake. Inter- meaning between or within and Intra- meaning within or between. It does seem that they are interchangeable.

But the not-so-common mistakes are the funniest. Especially when the student comes up to the office to phone home to remind mom and/or dad that there are no......

instramurals today......

instramentals today........

and, yes, this week I heard......

no interrment today.

Then there are those who clearly know that they're going to get it wrong and just put down...

After School Sports.

That'll do.

Friday, October 30 - Rambling On

2009-10-31T09:01:00.000-04:00

I may only be a school clerk, but I am a damn good one. I should be - I've been doing this job for 5+ years now and I've worked in the school system for over 20 years. I'd just like to know why people feel the need to tell me how to do my job assuming that I haven't done it.

Case in point - a note from a STUDENT AIDE telling me to please add the new student to the class roster - two weeks after he started. She did this because his name had to be written in on the attendance sheet.

Hello STUDENT AIDE the reason his name is written in on that sheet is because it was printed before he started. Don't you think that I know there's a new student!!!! I registered him!!!! I made sure that there was a desk in the room for him!!!!   I got him a student agenda!!!!!   I informed the school staff by e-mail that he was starting school two weeks ago and that we should welcome him!!!!! I've been doing this job for 5 years and I don't need little post-it notes from you telling me what to do!!!!!

Said note coming on the day we were celebrating Halloween. Yes, I was going to be a witch, but I'll trade the w for a b right now. Do your own job.

Same aide last week asked if she could have an "adult chair" in the classroom because using a student chair bothered her back. Not having any additional "teacher chairs" we, the secretary and I, suggested that temporarily she use a folding chair (adult size) until we could check with the principal about getting her a chair.

Before he even walks into the office, STUDENT AIDE stops him and tells him her need for an "adult chair". She tells him that she asked us for one and that we don't have one. Never relates the suggestion we made.

Hey sweetheart, do you really think that your having a chair is the most important thing to bombard him with when he comes in the door!!! You told us and we'll relate your predicament to the principal - we really will. We know how to do our job. Do your own job.

Change the w to a b again.

And since I'm reminding people what their job is - this one is for the SCHOOL NURSE.

We're in the middle of a nationwide medical crisis.   If you have a student report to you that has thrown up during lunch or has a fever - YOU sit with him in YOUR office and wait until his mother gets here before you take your lunch. I am not a nurse, I am not a babysitter, and anyone who is actually sick should not be sitting in the front office possibly exposing everyone who walks in to their sickness!!!

That's a big B.

Whew, that felt better. Wanna see what made me smile this week?

One of our teachers' husbands came back from a business trip to Japan and brought back these delicious cookies that she shared with us. I thought it looked like it was smiling. Wasn't she sweet to make sure that we got one from the box she put in the faculty room.

Now, ask me what kind of Halloween treats were shared with us after we delivered all the cookies, brownies, cupcakes, fruit, yogurt, candy, etc. to the classrooms yesterday for their parties? ONE teacher saved us a cupcake. And yes, I did eat it. After fielding phone calls all day about the time the Halloween parade started, answering the doorbell for parents delivering party goods, and getting stupid post it notes from STUDENT AIDE, I needed a cupcake!

Friday, October 23 - Custodial Mail

2009-10-25T21:30:00.000-04:00

The head of our district custodial department has his office in a garage behind our building, therefore all his mail comes through our office. Part of my job is to put the mail in the assigned mailboxes. We really had fun with this one:

Friday, October 16 - Under the Bus

2009-10-17T22:49:00.000-04:00

Getting thrown under the bus - I'm beginning to hate that phrase. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we can thank reality TV for it. I've been accused of throwing one of my teachers under the bus. Not to my face, mind you. But word gets around quickly.

My job during fire drills is to stand in the main lobby across from the office and monitor the exits that are visible from that position. I have a walkie-talkie in hand which I use to communicate to the principal who, with the custodian, has tripped the alarm and is monitoring the back exits of the school. When everyone is safely out of the building we turn off the alarm and give the classes time to line up outside before calling them back in.

We are required to have two fire drills a month and the exit from the building must be done within a certain amount of time. Every classroom is assigned a particular exit so that we can clear the building as quickly as possible. With that in mind, when the principal comes back in he usually asks for the time and if there were any laggers or problems.

During our last fire drill I was positioned in my normal place. I checked the rest rooms and cleared them before we pulled the alarm. I noticed that there was a teacher who was coming toward me who should have been going out another exit. She had four students in tow, literally holding them by the hand and dragging them down the hallway and out the door.

When the drill was complete and the classes came in I checked the fire exit map in the office and it clearly showed the teacher had taken the wrong route. But, I felt I needed to check the exit map in her room before I said anything as I am responsible for putting those maps in the room and I thought it might be possible that I had made a mistake.

I knocked on her door and asked to check the map and said that I thought she might have used the wrong exit. She explained that she was looking for a student that she had sent to the office and I left the room.

On the way back to the office I met up with the principal and, as he usually does, he asked how things went. I explained to him what had happened and he said he would talk to the teacher. You don't go looking for anyone during a fire drill - you exit the building at your assigned exit as quickly as possible unless it is blocked.

This happened two weeks ago and she is still telling people that I "threw her under the bus" with the principal and that I should apologize. Oh, and she's not speaking to me either.

I've been in a school when there was a real fire and I take these drills very seriously. There's no room for deviation or debate. No one but the principal, the teacher and myself would even have been aware of his talk with her if she hadn't made it a point to tell everyone.

Tell me if you think I'm wrong, but I don't think I should apologize for doing my job.

Friday, October 9 - Who's the Wise Guy?

2009-10-09T18:11:00.000-04:00

A third grade student walks into the office and says to the teacher....

I need something for dry skin.

What does this look like, a pharmacy?

No.

You need the nurse.

Yes.

You know how I knew that?

No.

I have ESP.

(he looks confused now)

Do you know what ESP is?

No.

It means I can read your mind.

Oh.

By the way, how is your teacher today?

............without the slightest hint of hesitation and a twinkle in his eye............

Read my mind.

Sometimes I love my job!

Friday, October 2 - Notes From Home

2009-10-02T10:50:00.000-04:00

My e-mail to the staff today:

Good Morning Team CSI B........g,

I received a note in the basket this morning written in purple ink on one of the Note To School forms:

To: Main Office

From: Ellen alkjdglksajnl;skjd;lksaj

Date: 10/1/09

Subject: Intramurals (where the small print asks for the student name!)

The box “OTHER” is checked with the following note:

“will not be continuing the intramurals”

I have no idea of the HR, the student, or the parent.

HELP!!!

Friday, September 25 - Complaint of the Day

2009-09-25T00:01:00.002-04:00

Any number of things can and do go wrong in the course of the day at school. And usually, they are accompanied by complaints.

If I had a nickel for every complaint that I hear, well, it could prove to be very lucrative.

Today we got the usual complaints - my room is too hot, my room is too cold, blah, blah, blah. You know Goldilocks doesn't work here, because we never hear "It's just right!"

The complaint of the day, the one that nearly put me over the edge -

"We need to get bigger garbage bags for our classroom garbage cans."

"Why?"

"They don't seem to be big enough. I have dirty tissues all over the place because the bags are too small and there's not enough room."

So as I'm staring in disbelief, wondering how to respond, another teacher points out that the bags are big enough, but because the custodians cinch them around the top of the can the air gets trapped and pushes up. "You just need to let the air out between the bag and the can and they're fine" she adds.

So then it was suggested that we need to "teach" the custodians how to put a garbage bag in the garbage can letting the air out because certainly it's not the teacher's job to do that.

Some days I'd like to "teach" some people something.

Friday, September 18 - Spell Check Anyone!

2009-09-18T00:00:00.004-04:00

What can I say other than "I didn't type it."?

Would you believe that this has been copied and used as is for the last four years!

Finally this year a parent noticed.

How great to find out in the first week of school that not only can't the teacher spell, she's also politically incorrect!

Friday, September 11 - Alternate Forms of Transportation

2009-09-11T22:15:00.000-04:00

Having a seat in the front office that faces the driveway gives you a birds eye view of the comings and goings in the school.

I have seen the children arrive in busses, of course. That is the main mode of transportation in our district.

And I've seen just about any kind of van, SUV, sedan, and the occasional sports car. There have even been one or two motorcycles. Oh, and once a year, as a prize for a local fund raiser, one child gets to ride to school in a police car with a friend.

But today was something totally new. Today someone arrived at school in a tow truck with their 7-month-old car on the back of the truck.

Guess who that was?

Give up?

Me!

I guess I can cross that off my bucket list!

Friday, September 4 - Shoe Shopping

2009-09-04T17:20:00.000-04:00

Imagine a panel truck rolling right up to the front door of your workplace, the driver parks, opens the back and pulls out some nice chairs and a carpet runner. Then he pulls down a small set of stairs so you can climb right into the back and............... wait for it...............go shoe shopping.

Well, if you want steel tipped work shoes it can happen! I saw it with my own eyes. Right outside the front door of the school I work in.

I'm thinking if they did this for the teachers, they might need a tractor trailer full of choices.

Of course you'd have the sensible flats and rubber-soled shoes. But you'd also have the stylish heels, with straps or platforms for the young teachers who have not yet felt the effects of "teacher's legs" aka varicose veins.

Oh, yeah, and there'd be at least one token row of penny loafers, boat shoes, and oxfords for the men.

Friday, August 28 - A Different Destination

2009-08-28T00:01:00.001-04:00

I'm on vacation this week and in keeping with the plan for the week - to do nothing involved with work - I won't be posting a Friday CPR today.

Instead I am redirecting your attention to an article written by a blogging friend of mine who happens to be a teacher with a lot of insight. Her blog is wonderful and she also writes a newspaper column. Whether you have children in school now or not, or whether you have been a teacher or worked with children, you will enjoy this post of hers.

To the teacher, from the mom......

Friday, August 21 - Who's Distracted?

2009-08-21T21:05:00.002-04:00

I was in the examining room at my doctor's office today and saw this sign:

Please refrain from

using cell phones during

your examination.

They are a distraction

for our dedicated staff.

Really?

I want a sign that says:

Please refrain from

using cell phones

in our office.

We really don't want

to know what you did

this weekend.

We'd much rather know

who you are and why

you are here.

Or better yet, who the

dirty sneakers you just

dropped on the counter

belong to.

Friday, August 14 - Custodial Caution

2009-08-13T23:49:00.003-04:00

As I was walking down the hallway to deliver something this week I thought I might have wandered into a crime scene.

You see, our custodians got hold of some of that yellow caution tape and tied up all the bathroom doors. It took me a while to figure out why they did that.

As they finished cleaning the bathrooms they taped them up like that so no one would use them. That way they didn't have to keep cleaning them everyday.

Yes, our custodial staff has been diligently working to clean and prepare the school for opening day.

I keep a map of the school on my counter and as they finish a room they highlight it. This way I know which rooms are done when a teacher calls to see if they can come in to work in their room.

These guys crack me up. They all want to be the one to do the coloring! If one gets there before the other they are truly disappointed. Imagine grown men arguing over whose turn it was to color in a square on a map.

I told them I'm going to get them some highlighters and coloring books for Christmas.

Friday, August 7 - Living Materials

2009-08-08T16:16:00.003-04:00

I've been ordering materials for the new school year these last couple of weeks.

Our fourth and fifth grade science curriculum includes living materials. We get frogs, millipedes, fish, and I think crabs.

Once each marking period a different set of teachers calls up the company in North Carolina and gives them their order number along with the dates that they want each "material" delivered.

These boxes come shipped overnight and they only ship them on certain days of the week so as not to have a box of dead living materials show up.

The teachers take these materials to their classrooms and use whatever the rest of the curriculum prescribes to set up these lessons.

Once the lesson or the marking period is over, the teachers can disperse or dispose of these materials as they wish and by that time they're really anxious to get rid of them because, to put it in their words, "they stink up the room".

One fourth grade teacher even admitted to me that she actually looks forward to the things dying because they smell so bad.

Thankfully, she's also the one who has confided to many that she never intends to have children of her own.

Friday, July 31 - It's Time to Renew My License

2009-07-31T00:01:00.000-04:00

As I was leaving for lunch today one of the children in the Summer Enrichment Program asked me if I was the School Nurse! I guess since I dispense band-aids and ice packs you could draw that conclusion.

That brief interlude reminded me that it's time to renew my license. My Nurse Hunting License that is!

During the school year, whenever our nurse leaves her room, (which is more often than you would think) students are directed by a sign on the door to come to the office. Most of the time they can be helped with an ice pack or a band aid, but there are times that truly do need a nurse's attention.

Since she doesn't always tell us where she's going, and since she doesn't wear a bell around her neck, we have to hunt her down.

By now I know most of the obvious places she will be, like in the faculty room warming her coffee for the umpteenth time, or in the computer lab needing help from the computer teacher, or in the band room with the instrumental music teacher. So I start phoning those places for her. (Let it be known that if there is an emergency, I would page her on the intercom, however, we don't like to disturb the classes when it's not absolutely necessary.)

It was on one of these ocassions when I actually said to the computer teacher that I was on a Nurse Hunt. She laughed knowing the nurse's reputation and said she totally understood.

Not more than an hour later the computer teacher arrived in the office with two official Nurse Hunting Licenses granted to the office staff and good for one year.

I carry mine in my wallet.

If you know me and know my relationship with my school nurse you will understand when I say that sadly, I'm only allowed to use the phone during this hunt. Discharge of weapons is, unfortunately, verboten.

Yep, just checked it. It's time to renew!

Friday, July 24 - What Comes of This Seed?

2009-07-24T00:13:00.005-04:00

About 3 years ago, out in the front of our school, a rogue plant appeared in the very neatly newly planted landscape. This plant, continued to grow, unchecked by the maintenance crew.

Much to our surprise, when it got to be about 2 1/2 ft. tall, these wonderful trumpet-like blossoms in white appeared. The plant continued to grow to about 4 ft. and had many blossoms which in turn, turned to spiny seed pods. The seed pods dried out and split, scattering their seed throughout the mulch in that area.

Soon, many little plants could be seen taking root.

People who came and went often commented on the plant and it's beautiful blossoms and wondered what it was called. I did some research and found out it is called Datura. It is a plant that many people grow in their gardens. It is not a weed.

My principal, didn't share the same opinion. After passing it everyday for most of the summer, he let the maintenance staff know that they should yank them all out when they did the final grounds clean-up before school started in September.

The only problem was that by that time, the plant had spread so much and shed so many seeds into the mulch that it would be impossible to totally eradicate it.

We plant seeds of knowledge inside and hope that they get nurtured and grow to be big thoughts someday. It's a process that you hope won't be stopped once it's started. One never knows what those seeds of knowledge can become someday. We should be so lucky that from those seeds come beautiful flowers.

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, Fortune of the Republic, 1878

Can we not say that about a child?

Friday, July 17 - New Door Lock

2009-07-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

there was a storm on Saturday night that caused a power failure
that caused the breakers to trip
that caused the alarm system to go off
that caused the security company to leave a message that the alarm system went off
that caused the front door buzzer to ring continuously until someone cut the wire about 9:00 this morning
that caused the office and faculty room refrigerators to defrost
that caused all the ice pops (10 boxes) to melt leaving a sticky pool in the freezer
that, when rebooted this morning, caused the fire alarm in the office to ring for over an hour

and, because the head of maintenance is on vacation in the catskills and is hard to reach, and he can’t explain to his summer office help how to reprogram the system to reset the lock, this is what he suggested doing to secure the building for the evening.

Keep in mind that the door opens OUT!

Friday, July 10 - Who Left the Mike On?

2009-07-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

Note to Self:

Always remember to check if the office PA system is off before you start talking about how you were constipated all weekend and then ate the cookies that were brought in Monday morning and got diarrhea.

Friday, July 3 - Movin' On Up

2009-07-03T12:01:00.000-04:00

We prepare ourselves at the end of each year for the students to "Move Up" into the next grade level. On the last day of school the second graders come over from their school and visit their new 3rd grade teachers. The old third graders visit their new fourth grade teachers and, you guessed it, the old fourth graders visit their new fifth grade teachers.

During this time, the old fifth graders are signing yearbooks, watching movies, or are outside on the playground.

Before the day is over we will be visited in the office to sign a yearbook, to be offered something from the class party, or to receive a gift.

It's nice to see our outgoing 5th's to say good bye and wish them luck. We've had them for 3 years. We know the frequent flyers who visit the principal, and we know the one's who have done well also.

But we not only lose students to moving up, we lose parents also. And again, there are the one's you couldn't wait to see go, and those that you will miss.

I received a package from one such family. This mom always treated us at the holidays, secretaries day, and at the end of the year with a container full of puppy chow. The homemade candy puppy chow that is. Delicious! This year was no different except for the note.

The children (twins) each wrote a thank you on the note, but then the mom added her sentiments. We go back a long way.

When her older daughter was in 1st grade I happened to be doing a long-term subbing assignment for her teacher. Through the years, while I was subbing, our paths would cross. Then when I took the office job, we saw more of each other.

This is a mom who always takes time to talk to you. To really ask you how you are doing and mean it.

She's also a mom who writes her children's notes on any available piece of paper, be it a paper napkin that's handy or the back of a grocery store receipt.

She's a mom who will paint her face green and don a blow-up leprechaun outfit and visit the school each St. Patrick's day and cause mayhem and laughter as she runs down the halls and around the outside of the school. And I have pictures of her dressed as a cow for Halloween, udders and all.

She's a mom who you will see running through the neighborhood with her dog on a leash, sometimes with her children following along on their bikes.

And, she's a mom who will drop what she's doing and come in to clean tables at lunch when someone else can't make it.

These are the one's you hate to lose.

Friday, June 26 - Solitaire?

2009-06-26T00:01:00.001-04:00

(Sorry, this originally posted without editing - hope you take the time to read it corrected.)

It's the last week of school.

The marking period ended two weeks ago.

Even the students are tired of watching movies.

The teacher walks into the room, puts the movie on and sits at her desk.

She pulls out a deck of cards and starts playing solitaire.

A bored and inquisitive 8th grader walks up to her desk and asks:

"Teacher, why are you playing solitaire all by yourself?"

High School look out!

Friday, June 19 - End of the Year Circus

2009-06-19T00:24:00.002-04:00

It's been a very busy week in our office. We're almost to the end of the school year (two more days after today). I call it circus time because there's at least three rings of action going on at any given moment.

In the office there's a multitude of end-of-year paperwork. Keys, IDs, and plan books have to handed in. Attendance reports have to be done. All the rosters for next years' classes have to be typed, copied, and distributed - but not too soon or the information will leak. Information leaks happen all the time. It's part of the circus atmosphere that I call the Center Ring.

Class parties are a daily event. Parties mean visitors. Visitors mean doorbells. Doorbells mean continual interruptions. Food deliveries have to be refrigerated. Teachers want to take their classes outside. Ring two events are in full swing.

Parents, as well as students, seem to forget the rules. Walking right into the cafeteria without checking in at the office becomes a regular occurence. Calling the office for dismissal changes instead of putting it in writing means more phone calls. More phone calls mean more interruptions. Ah - here we have the third ring.

It is for these reasons above, and many more not mentioned, that I keep a jar full of clown noses on my desk at this time of year. When it gets really crazy, and I get really punchy, I just threaten to start passing the noses out.

Yep it's circus time. And speaking of the circus, this was heard in my daughter's 8th grade classroom recently.

"Miss M, I'm going on vacation soon."

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"I'm going to Las Vegas, and I'm going to see Circus Ole!"

Friday, June 12 - Got Splinters?

2009-06-10T22:48:00.005-04:00

A fifth grade boy walks into the office after recess looking for the school nurse.

"Is the nurse here or at lunch?"

"She's eating lunch now. Why do you need her?"

"I have wood chips in my underpants."

(this is me now talking to myself - okay, you have to dig in now. you can't smile. you can't laugh. it is funny, but you must not laugh!!! speak now, but don't laugh.)

"Can't you just go to the boy's room and empty them out?"

"No. They are literally in my underpants!"

And then he sits down.

(okay, get up and go out the back door and get the nurse before you lose it)

Friday, June 5 - Number Please

2009-06-05T21:16:00.001-04:00

There are days that I hate the interaction I have with parents and then there are those that just crack me up.

Take for instance the mother who came in this week with something her daughter had forgotten.

With a smile on her face she plopped the bag down on the counter and mumbled under her breath “I’m gonna kill her.” To which I said in jest – you can do whatever you like, but please don’t tell us.

She then went on to tell me that it’s okay. She’s threatened them before. And when they threaten to call DYFS on her, she tells them to make sure that “DYFS keeps you for at least four weeks!”

And then she hands them the phone.

Friday CPR, May 29 - Minnesota Miracle Matzo

2009-05-29T00:09:00.003-04:00

One of our fourth grade teachers came into the office after lunch holding up this piece of matzo cracker and quite excitedly exclaiming "Minnesota", "Minnesota."

I asked him what he was talking about and he waved it at me and just said "Minnesota." Then he put it in his mailbox and left the room.

That's when I took a picture of it.

Later that afternoon he came to collect it. We teased him and told him he needed to preserve it somehow.

I asked him if he nibbled it that way and he said no, that it broke off quite by accident.

In his words "Some people find the Blessed Mother in things, I find Minnesota."

So we dubbed it the Minnesota Miracle Matzo.

I'll let you know if we actually have any miracles any time soon.

Friday, May 22 - Drama on the Playground

2009-05-22T00:01:00.004-04:00

A student aide comes into the office this morning to tell us that there is a rather gruesome scene unfolding on the playground. In the far corner near the woods and well away from the ball fields there is a mother deer fending off turkey vultures that, it is assumed, are after her fawn. All this is happening while the gym teacher is testing the students in their mile run at the other end of the field. Needless to say, they are all panicked.

There are about 20 vultures circling the playground. Another group of eight has found a place to view the course of events in an ivy-covered dead tree on an adjacent lot. Those that are not in the air or in the tree are stalking the deer with their wings spread like they are about to engage in a group performance of the paso doble.

As they advance on the mother she charges, but she is careful not to get too far away from what she is protecting. This goes on for some time until finally some of the vultures lose interest and fly off. The mother retreats into the shady woods and continues to stand guard. Several of the vultures remain in the tree evaluating the situation. One has to wonder if maybe they are eyeing up a small child. The gym teacher is certainly counting heads.

The principal touches base with the teachers who will have playground duty during recess to let them know what is transpiring. Keep the children away from that area he warns.

Third grade lunch goes off without a hitch. However, during fourth grade lunch, while the children watch from a distance, a couple of aides and a teacher decide to check things out. (They really know how to listen!) They tell the children that the fawn was hit by a lawnmower and the vultures are eating it and there’s not much left.

This may be the course of nature, but by the chatter and noise level that was heard in the hallways when the students met their teachers after recess, it has left many distressed.

I’m sure that we will be getting calls from parents wondering why we even allowed them to go outside.

Friday, May 15 - Teacher Appreciation Day at the Range

2009-05-15T22:31:00.003-04:00

During the month of May Teacher Appreciation Day is celebrated in many schools. Usually we get flyers from bookstores, educational toy stores, and perhaps some local restaurants. But this time we got a flyer from a rifle and revolver club.

"Teachers Day at the Range" is being advertised as free to educational professionals. You have to be 18 years old (I think you'd be hard pressed to find any under the age of 18), and you must pre-register. During breakfast and registration, they're offering a free breakfast, and besides the breakfast all equipment and lunch will be provided.

They will have certified instructors on hand for lessons and instruction in five shooting disciplines: Modern Firearms, which includes pistols, rifles, and shotguns, plus archery and muzzleloading rifle.

Oh, and there will be goodie bags and door prizes!

I'm wondering if they let you bring your own targets?

Darn, I already have plans for the weekend.

Friday, May 8 - Bend and Stretch?

2009-05-08T21:56:00.003-04:00

The husband of one of our teachers came to visit this week. He brought his niece and nephew with him - toddlers - and they were all going to go out for lunch.

When the teacher came to the office at lunch time, one of the busiest times in the office with parents coming in and out to do lunch duty, and students always around somewhere, she welcomed them warmly. Then she bent over to pick up the little boy. Something quickly changed her mind and she stood upright. She then asked her husband for his sweatshirt. He gave it to her and she tied it around her waist.

I saw her bend over the counter on the other side of the room and say something to the secretary but I couldn't hear her over the noise. When she left, the secretary told me what the teacher had said to her and she was laughing.

The teacher bent over the counter to say that she couldn't believe that she just split her pants. The secretary offered her a needle and thread, but she said "You don't understand. I'm wearing a thong." Thank goodness he came to her rescue with that sweatshirt!

Friday, May 1 - What's For Lunch?

2009-04-30T23:47:00.001-04:00

New on the school lunch menu this week:
SMILEY FRIES

Friday, April 24 - The Newest Dance Fad

2009-04-24T22:39:00.002-04:00

A teacher came into the office and handed me some rings that were found in the faculty bathroom. They were not costume rings - they were someone's diamonds. A little while later, another teacher walked into the office. This one is known to wear some pretty pricy jewels to school. She once made it a point to tell me that her pearl necklace was worth $10K and I have no reason not to believe her. She's often decked out to the nines with her gold and other jewels.

Knowing this, when she came in I asked her if she was missing any jewelry. Now this is probably funnier done in person but I'm going to try to write it.

Instead of just saying yes or no she did this:

Right hand on left wrist.
Left hand on right wrist.
Right hand to right ear.
Left hand to left ear.
Right hand to neck then over her heart.
Then a slight foot kick.

Nope, she wasn't missing anything.

There was a male teacher in the office along with the other secretary and I during this demonstration. After she left we all busted up laughing and surprisingly he said it looked like she was doing the "damn macarena"! I was waiting for him to say that except for the kick at the end, she would make a good third base coach sending signals to the batter.

Go ahead, I know you want to try it for yourself!

Friday, April 17 - Blah, Blah, Hmmmm

2009-04-17T00:39:00.003-04:00

First, let me say that our custodial staff is like the United Nations - they come from all over the world - Poland, Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Italy, etc. This can be challenging when you need to ask them a question, or more importantly, try to explain something to them. The custodians are assigned to one or possibly two schools and they have their regular daily chores to attend to.

The "Maintenance Guys", not to be confused with custodians, travel between all the schools to make the major repairs. The "Maintenance Guys" speak English very well, although sometimes it's still difficult to explain things to them.

Yesterday the "Maintenance Guys" came to pick up their paychecks. They're always good for a couple of stories that get us laughing. One of the "Maintenance Guys", let's call him Jack, was relating a story about a custodian, Harry, who is often found napping on the job. Jack said he asked one of the other custodians, a hispanic woman, where this particular custodian was. She told him that Harry was in the Coochie's office. I wasn't aware that we had a Coochie in the district. Turns out a Coochie is a coach.

................................

I got the biggest laugh today when a student came to the office and asked for copies to be made for his teacher. He did say please without prompting and when the copies were done I handed them to him and he actually bowed when he said thank you! I couldn't help but crack up. He smiled too!

................................

Okay, so maybe that wasn't the biggest laugh today. It might have been when the fifth grade teacher came into the office after lunch and announced that he had to go home and change his pants because his zipper broke as he stood there holding the zipper pull in his hand. He said he couldn't go back to class and be expected to teach with the barn door open!

................................

Well, if you haven't found the humor in any of the stories related above that's okay. I bet you didn't know that April 17th is Blah, Blah, Blah Day!

Have a great one!

Friday, April 10 - Does That Ringing In My Ears Bother You

2009-04-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

I have been enjoying a most peaceful week. School has been out this week - for the faculty and the students - but not for 12-month employees of which I am one. So I took some personal days and did spend one day in the office tying up some loose ends before the end of the year crush begins.

The reason I say it was peaceful is because there were no bells to deal with. You see, I'm beginning to feel like one of Pavlov's dogs when I hear a bell ring.

I have a phone on my desk and the school doorbell also. And, thanks to a recent thunderstorm and power outage, I have the distinction of having to manually pulling the bell switch for the beginning and ending of school, as well as the late bell and the beginning of Opportunity Period at the end of the day.

So when the phone rings and the doorbell rings at the same time that I'm supposed to ring the school bell, well, you might say we have the "perfect storm" of bells.

Yes, there is another person in the office, but she sits on the other side of the room and is very often otherwise occupied at those busy times. We do have some teachers who will answer the doorbell to help out and I'm thankful for that when they do. But some days, I wish I could just turn the noise off.

So since I only have a 10 min. commute home from work, when I get there I don't turn on the tv and I hope that the phone doesn't ring for at least an hour so I can clear my head of all the ringing. I'd much prefer to open the windows and listen to the birds sing. Hopefully, that will come soon.

Friday, April 3 - The Need to Know

2009-04-02T23:16:00.002-04:00

People are inquisitive. It just can't be helped. It is a part of human nature. But sometimes they want to know too much, or ask inappropriate or probing questions in public.

We have all these laws now that are supposed to assure people their privacy - like the HIPPA regulations. You know the line you have to stand behind at the pharmacy so you don't hear the person in front of you talk to the pharmacist about their drugs.

Schools abide by these rules, or are supposed to. But here's what I find unnerving - our nurse insists on sending sick students (8-, 9-, and 10-year-olds) to the office while she makes a confidential call to a parent, yet she will come right out and ask you about your health issues in a room where other people are privy to your conversation. There could be other teachers, students or parents in the room, but she doesn't seem to notice.

It is most uncomfortable.

But there are times that there is definitely a need to know certain things.

For instance, parents often question me when I tell them that they have to sign their child out of school at the end of the day. I have to explain to them that - God forbid there should be a bus accident, we have to know who is and who isn't on the bus for safety reasons.

Or when a class is going outside or holding class in another room. Especially at the end of the day and students are being picked up early. It is very frustrating to have to make several calls around the building looking for a child when their parent is standing right in front of you, only to find out that their class is outside or in the computer lab or some other room and hasn't let the office know.

Then there is the need to know when a substitute or teacher is leaving the building. This is not only for safety reasons but there might be an occasion where we need coverage in another class. Or, there might be an emergency phone call for them.

Most people will offer the reason for leaving, but they really don't have to. All they have to do is remember to sign out. We also ask that they sign in and out for the day. There is a valid reason for it and it does go beyond being nosy.

I must admit, that sometimes I might ask where they're going in the case of the student aide that makes a fairly regular trip to Dunkin' Donuts or McDonalds and I'm craving a cup of coffee or sweet tea. Or if they didn't sign out and we were looking for them, we might ask where they were. Again, most of the time the answer comes easily, but there are times when we are simply told "the principal knew I was going out".

And this is when it becomes frustrating, because the principal doesn't always remember or get to share with us these things before they happen. So the teacher gets pissed because they feel their privacy has been invaded, and we get pissed because the rules are there for the reasons above.

I don't give a flying leap where you've been. And I don't give a flying leap that you had permission to go. If you don't want to be questioned then play by the rules.

All I ask is that you remember to sign in and out so I don't have to send a fireman back in the building to look for you.

Oh, and don't send me your sick, lice infested kids to watch while you make a confidential phone call unless you're going to afford me the same amount of privacy.

Friday, March 27 – Be Kind to Your Custodian

2009-03-28T19:20:00.002-04:00

When a new teacher goes to work in a school they're most likely told to be nice to the secretary and the custodian because they'll get you what you need. I even said it myself to my daughter when she began teaching. After all, I am a school secretary and I know this to be true.

This post is in honor of our building custodian. We'll call him Georgio. He's from Italy, but lived in the US the better part of his 67 years. I found out recently that he is planning on retiring at the end of June. I really like him, but I would say that he probably should have retired a long time ago. He has one speed. Slow. But he does good work when he gets to it.

Some might think that being a school custodian is a pretty simple job, and it is for the most part, but it is also a dirty job.

Take for instance some of the events that our custodian had to deal with this week alone.

First thing Monday morning – he is called to the office because there is a mouse in the mouse trap in the office supply closet that isn't quite dead yet.

Then there's the call from a fifth grade teacher: Please page Georgio, there's something on the floor in front of the lockers in our hallway that looks like poop and smells like poop.

Another teacher calls to say that a student had a bloody nose in her room and there's blood all over the desk . Please page Georgio.

The drinking fountain in the third grade wing is leaking – please have Georgio check it out.

Tables have to be set up in a vacant classroom for a meeting. Page Georgio.

And then there's the dynamics of the nurse/custodian relationship in our building.

The school nurse comes into the office and demands (she does that a lot) that Georgio be paged because she has to show him something in the faculty room. She stands in the office doorway holding her cup of coffee making sure that one of us actually makes the call. She waits impatiently, eyes darting around, foot discreetly tapping, for him to respond. He lumbers down the hall in his signature turtle pace. She tells him to follow her. If he were a turtle, at this point he would suck his head, legs, and tail into his shell and play dead, but he isn't so he reluctantly follows her as we watch them turn the corner and leave our sight.

Within minutes she is back in the office. Still holding her coffee cup. Poised between our two counters and facing the principal's office. She tells us she needs to speak to the principal. Usually she just breezes by us but his door is closed and he is temporarily saved. But then, to his misfortune, he opens the door and she blurts out that she needs him to follow her. (At this point, he also is wishing he was a turtle.)

Within minutes he is back in the office and letting the secretary know that a work order has to be done to have the mouse trap in the faculty room replaced. Okay. A work order? Yes, that is what he requested.

It came to pass that we found out from a teacher who had been speaking to the nurse that when she called Georgio into the faculty room she asked him what was under the table in the corner. He told her that it was a mouse trap. She asked him what was on it. He told her, he didn't know, that perhaps it was some dust. She in turn said that she thought it looked like a mouse. He asked her if she was sure "because sometimes there is a picture of a mouse on the mouse trap". She said that she was sure and that he should get rid of it and put out a new mousetrap. He told her that he didn't have any mouse traps – that they come from the Head of Maintenance. And he told her that he would remove the mousetrap and ask for a new one once he finished setting up the tables for the meeting (which now was scheduled to begin in 5 mins.) And that was why she had to get the principal involved.

Later that day the nurse called and wanted Georgio to come to her office because her paper towel dispenser was only dispensing towels that were 8 ½ inches long and they should be at least 12 inches long.

And then she needed him to replace a light bulb above her desk.

As he was relating the story to me about the light bulb, he said he told her that he could replace the bulb, but if it was the ballast and he took that light bulb out, the light might not work at all. And he said to me "and in my mind I was hoping that the light wouldn't work and she'd have to sit in the dark, because we don't have any more ballasts." He got his wish.

Sunday is Georgio's birthday. May the next three months be free of blood, vomit, poop, and mice (and, between you and me, THE NURSE).

Friday, March 20 – Where are the Roman’s From?

2009-03-20T20:52:00.001-04:00

Once again I'm relying on a story that was sent to me in an e-mail from that special teacher who used to live in this house:

Today's highlight--

While working on an essay, the following discussion occurred:

Girl -- "Miss M where are the Roman's from?"

Miss M – (burst of short laughter to catch my breath so I can ask my co-teacher) "Mrs. T, Girl would like to know where the Romans are from." Mrs. T rolls her eyes and continues working.

Boy -- (Sarcastically) "They're from Japan."

Girl -- "I thought the Chinese were from Japan."

This is how my day is going.

10 minutes later, I heard a story about a girl in 6th or 7th grade that got her head stuck in a locker for 20 minutes and had to have the shop teacher come and pry her out.

Thanks for the laugh Miss M.

Friday, March 13 - What's In a Name?

2009-03-13T15:44:00.002-04:00

We had a discussion about names in the office this week. It started because we recently enrolled a student whose name was a bit unusual, but then again, who is to say what is unusual in names these days. We don't have any Apples, or anything like that, and we don't have too many ethnic names. No Tomalia's or Sharonda's or Hips or Dips. So when we get a student with an ethnic name, one that can be used as an adjective in a simple sentence let's say, it might provoke a discussion.

Of course having a name that's a noun or an adjective is not a bad thing. You can name your child pretty much anything you want these days (like the family not too far from here who named their child Hitler), but there are times when the name is going to haunt the child and I can think of two that we've had in our district. Both of them did wind up changing their name and were happier for it.

The first one had a first name of Hardik. Yes, say it out loud and don't snicker. While this may be a very common name in the country of his family's origin, it is not a common name here unless you're using it in a derogatory way. This child entered our school system in Kindergarten and managed to get through the first two years of his life here unscathed by the cruelty of other children. However, as we knew it would, it didn't last. Our ESL teacher had to have a very frank conversation with parents who barely spoke our language to explain to them why their little boy was being scoffed at. They in turn, had to check with the grandfather whose privilege in their culture was to name his grandchildren. The child was given a nickname that was both acceptable to the family and the children in his class.

The second child had the last name of Dick. Again, in another country this name is a very common name and no one would think anything of it. But here, the use of the word dick is something that most 10-year-olds would find funny. Unless, of course, you were the 10-year-old who owned that name. The child eventually started using his mother's maiden name and the teasing stopped.

We like to have our children take pride in their ancestry and if that means having a family first or last name that is not so common we hope that they can handle it. We also like to hope that it is not our own children who are teasing the child whose name is not one that you hear every day.

Today I had a related conversation with one of my fourth grade teachers. She had a parent visit her classroom and in the course of the conversation the parent mentioned that her child's last name was spelled wrong in every place that it appeared - even on her report card. And she also mentioned that this had been the case since she enrolled her daughter in kindergarten. (Their last name is the same as the Yankee's third baseman who's been in the news a lot lately.) Apparently, the person who registered this little girl used a "q" instead of a "g" in her last name and it only took them 5 years to let us know that there was a mistake. Go figure!

Friday, March 6 - Getting Straight

2009-03-06T00:01:00.001-05:00

I’ve been out of the office for two months now and I apologize if my material hasn’t been up to par. Rest assured, I’ll be returning to work on Monday and I’m sure I’ll be catching up on all the goings on that took place in my absence. Thanks for sticking with me.

In the meantime, this was shared with me by an 8th grade Language Arts teacher who likes to call me and make me laugh with stories about her special students:

(The student has her arm bandaged and turns to the teacher and asks…)

Ms. M. can you write my essay for me?

No.

But my arm is hurt and I can’t write.

That’s not going to work. I saw you writing and you’re doing fine. By the way, how did you hurt your arm?

In the bus accident. (Her bus had been involved in a minor traffic accident.)

Looks like you were lucky you only hurt your arm.

Well, I hurt my back too, but my mother says I have to go to the orthodontist to get that fixed.

The orthodontist?

Yes, my mom says I have to get straightened out.

Well, only if you mean your teeth.

Friday, February 27 – The Importance of Fire Drills

2009-02-27T01:14:00.002-05:00

My principal called me at home today; I'm still on medical leave. There's some report that's due on Monday and someone in the main office thinks that I have the information. But that's not what I was going to write about today.

In our conversation it somehow came up that tomorrow is the last day of the month and they haven't completed the mandatory fire drills for February yet. You see, there's a rule. You must have two fire drills per month. The secretary has to fill out a very detailed report for each one. She has to know how long it took to clear the building, how many people were present, visitors included, and what the temperature outside is. I'm not quite sure why the last bit of info is necessary but the other information is very pertinent.

I know it's not fire prevention month but I just wanted to reiterate how important that fire drills are. You see, I have actually been in a school fire. Back in the 90's, when I was subbing in the school district I had an assignment for a resource room teacher in one of our schools that was K-3. That particular day in the middle of March was pretty cold. In fact, the ground was still covered with snow from a late winter storm.

I had a class of five students in a room that was divided, and there was a teacher on the other side of the divider with students of her own. Now, usually on cold days we are given a heads up when fire drills will happen so the students (and teachers) can put on their coats. When the fire alarm went off, the other teacher and I looked at each other very quizzically. At first we didn't know what was going on because we hadn't gotten that "heads up" about coats (and we were in a classroom directly opposite the school office).

It only took a moment to realize that it wasn't a drill, that there was the possibility that there actually was a fire. So, I counted heads – 5 – and we proceeded out of the room and down the hall to the front door. We could see the principal in the hall with a slight look of panic on his face, but keeping order at the same time.

We were on our way to the front door of the school. The faculty room and library were right next to the front doors, but we all proceeded out to the sidewalk. We had the building cleared and were shivering already when, as we could see through the front door, the principal opening the door to the faculty room and quickly shut it. When he did this, the fire became visible in the window to that room and we could now see smoke coming from the roof.

Obviously we were too close to the source of the fire and we were told to move to the playground area. I can't tell you how many times in that short walk that I counted those five heads. We came to a stop at the playground and were being asked by the teachers who were in that area already if we knew anything. Not wanting to distress the children, we just nodded and quietly let them know.

Even though it was the middle of March we had students who were dressed in short-sleeved shirts who were shivering up a storm by now. But there was nothing to do but wait for the fire company. The fire marshall showed up first and what I most remember about that is the way that he pulled into the school driveway. I just thanked God that we had moved the children because he would definitely have taken a few of them out with the way he was driving.

The fire engines were on the way and now it was snowing. Not a heavy snow, but snow nonetheless. I don't know who made the decision, but lucky for us, our municipal building was on the other side of the playground. The playground that was covered with snow, remember.

We hiked across the snow and all filed into the meeting area inside the building. We could hear the fire engines outside and there were children who were crying because they were scared and in strange surroundings. The teachers counted and recounted heads and calmed the children.

The school secretaries had grabbed the student's emergency information and it wasn't long before parents started showing up either having heard through the grapevine, on the radio, or by phone that they needed to pick up their child at the municipal building. Each child had to be signed for.

They managed to contain the fire quite quickly, but the smoke went through the ventilation system and did the most damage. It was weeks before the building reopened. They had to have split sessions with the next school up, grades 4-6, until the building was ready.

But thanks to those twice-a-month drills, throughout the whole event, the students, grades K-3, really were remarkable. They were prepared as they should be.

The most ridiculous thing of the day was the parents who showed up and wanted to know where their child's backpack and coat were. Imagine having to explain to them that when the fire alarm goes off we don't take the time to gather personal belongings!

Friday, February 20 - What 5¢ Will Get You

2009-02-20T09:51:00.004-05:00

We have a cafeteria in our school - so to speak. It's really the gym with a kitchen. Fifteen minutes before lunches begin, tables are rolled out and set up for the students to use. The kitchen doors are open and voila - a cafeteria is born!

Outside the kitchen door is a little cart that contains napkins and disposable eating utensils. The students are supposed to pick up what they need as they exit the kitchen after paying for their lunch. The cafeteria workers have noticed however, that there seems to be more utensil use than the number of lunches sold.

So I guess they put someone in charge to monitor the utensil cart and guess what they found? Yes, there were some students that were not buying lunch that were taking utensils. But the bigger problem - at least in their eyes - was the number of teachers who were helping themselves to utensils without purchasing lunch. (Bad, bad teachers!)

The cafeteria manager then went to speak to the principal and informed him that they are going to have to start charging 5¢ for each utensil.

The principal then tells the secretary to send an e-mail to the staff to remind them to bring their own utensils for lunch because of the cafeteria situation and the impending 5¢ charge.

The staff, no, some of the staff, no, some of the more vocal staff come up to the office to complain. That isn't fair! Who do they think they are? Five cents for a spoon, what are they nuts? This is ridiculous. And so on and so forth.

The secretary (and clerk) try to quell the dissention and remind them that the cafeteria is a "business" separate from the school and that they have overhead costs.... and so on and so forth. (Have you ever been in a situation when you say something and someone looks at you like you have two heads? )

But you know it's much easier for some to complain about something they consider unfair without ever really considering how they can avoid it.

Here's a few thoughts -

1. Buy yourself a box of plastic utensils and keep them in your desk drawer or classroom closet.

2. Wash the utensil after you use it and save it for the next time.

3. Buy your lunch in the cafeteria and the utensil will be free.

4. Get your mother to pack your lunch - I bet she never forgot to include a spoon!

5. If all else fails - make sure you have a supply of nickels!

Homework

2009-02-16T22:14:00.004-05:00

Okay, it's not Friday I know, but I have been assigned some homework by Queen Bee fellow Jersey Girl, although she's much younger. It's a blog award and this is how it goes...

Step 1: respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

Step 2: tag - eight other un-tagged people.

I'm going to get an incomplete on this because of Step 2. But here we go....

1) What are you wearing right now? My comfortable brown pants, white turtle neck and light blue hooded thermal.

2) What is your biggest fear? Losing those I love.

3) Do you nap a lot? How timely is this. Yes, I have been napping a lot -recovering from a radical hysterectomy will do that to you.

4) Who is the last person you hugged? My husband, or as he is referred to on my blogs HWNSNBP.

5) What websites to you visit when you go online? Splitcoast Stampers, Folding Trees, Merriam Webster's Word of the Day, Voy Craft Forum, and numerous blogs.

6) What was the last item you bought? I bought 4 fat quarters of fabric at a quilt shop on the way home from the Christmas Tree Shop today.

7) Last person you mailed a card or letter to? A birthday card to my godmother.

8) If you woke up tomorrow and were a boy, what is the first thing you would do and why? I would pray that my husband woke up a girl for obvious reasons.

9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? No.

10) What is your most embarrassing moment? Well, there was the time that I drove up to the drive-in window at Burger King with the kids in the car, ordered, paid, and then drove away without the food, only to have to park the car and walk in and get it.

11) What was the last movie you watched? Masterpiece Theater's Cyrano de Bergerac - not really a movie but longer than an hour.

12) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions what would you do? Seriously, I would procrastinate. I'm good at it!

Now according to Step 2 I'm supposed to pass this on, or tag 8 other bloggers who don't already have this award. Instead, I'm going to toss it up in the air and if you're visiting here and do not have this lovely award and would like to have it, CATCH. And if you do, let me know so I can legitimately add this to my sidebar.

In the meantime, please do visit Queen Bee's blog. And tell her I said hello.

Friday, February 13 - Lost and Found

2009-02-13T23:23:00.003-05:00

I was working on a project at home earlier this week that required a piece of chain. I knew exactly where to find some - in a box on my desk at work. The box contains all sorts of "jewelry" that has been found in and around the school. Jewelry, you see, does not go into the Lost and Found. Neither do cell phones, cameras, wallets, or things like that.

What does go into the Lost and Found are articles of clothing, lunch boxes, books, toys, and things like that.

The Lost and Found in our school is located in what used to be a phone booth. Not the glass type that you might be thinking of, but a room the size of a small closet with a door that does have a partial window. The phone having been taken out long ago.

At any given time during the school year you can visit the Lost and Found and usually find things piled up at least 3 feet high. You see, while all the staff and students know that there is a Lost and Found and know that things that they find belong there, they seldom remember that that is the place to check when things are missing and cannot be found in the classroom.

You must remember to take a deep breath before you open the door because there are usually one or two lunchboxes in there that might have decaying food in them. There are also shoes and articles of clothing that have a fragrance all their own.

Once each marking period tables are set up in the gym during lunch and the contents of the Lost and Found are displayed. Students are asked to check the tables before leaving the lunch room to see if they can find something that they have lost. We have our lunchroom aides go through the items and check for names and you'd be surprised how many items do have names and how many students are certain that even if their name is in or on something that it is not theirs.

On several occasions we have had parents call the office and ask us to check the Lost and Found for a specific item. This may seem like a simple task, but the description of a coat or sweatshirt can be vague so we encourage the parent to have the student ask to come to the office or even to have the parent themself come in to check things out.

One mother called and was particularly distressed. It seems that her son had lost not one, not two, but three coats at school. She had already spoken with the classroom teacher and was assured that they were not in the classroom. She also had her son check the Lost and Found for himself and he assured her that he couldn't find them. So, she resorted to coming in for herself. Sure enough, all three coats were there. Two of them even had his name in them.

Even after the marking period checks there is usually a substantial amount of unclaimed items. We take the leftovers (clothing that is, not lunches) to a shelter if they are not claimed. Small items and lunchboxes are usually discarded.

The box on my desk has a couple of watches, several pairs of silver earrings, some key chains, Girl Scout pins and Cub Scout neck slides, and lots of junk jewelry. So what do you think - flea market, garage sale, or Ebay?

Friday, February 6 - Please and Thank You

2009-02-06T16:50:00.002-05:00

As it happens, oftentimes students are sent up to the office for something that their teacher needs. Usually it is because they are in the middle of a lesson and have suddenly realized that they only have 20 copies of a worksheet or test and there are 22 students in the class. Or it may be because a student has forgotten their workbook at home and they are doing that page in class now. So they will stop at my desk and here is how the conversation goes:

"Can I help you?"

"I need a copy of these two pages."

"Okay."

At this point, I intently stare at them and don't move. This begins to make them a little nervous and they smile and/or giggle a little and shove the book a little further at me.

"Did you bring paper and a pencil?" I'll ask.

"No."

"Then how are you going to get copies of those pages?"

Now they're thinking a little harder.

"You're going to make them."

"I am? Oh, you mean you are asking me to do something for you?"

"Yes."

"Then you forgot something."

Some may turn the book over, some may look like they're going to cry, some may start to back out the door. And then there is the child who finally has the lightbulb go off.

"Oh. Please can I have copies of these two pages?"

Yes, I'm the "Please Police". I don't work without it.

Oh, and they don't get out the door without a "Thank You" either.

Sadly, the students are not the only ones who forget to use "Please" and "Thank You." The stare doesn't usually work on the "taller ones" though.

Friday, January 30 - Snow Days - Walk Like a Penguin

2009-01-30T12:56:00.004-05:00

Snow days - gotta love em! We had one this week (well they did, I'm still home recuperating). I remember when my kids were still in school these were the days that became opportunities. They were the days for the lessons learned at home.

There was a letter to the editor of our newspaper that appeared back then after a particularly icy winter that had caused most of our local school districts to surpass their days put aside for weather. Some mother was complaining that the schools were not being responsible enough with her children's education because they didn't provide materials or work for them to do at home should there be a snow day. I had to laugh out loud at this. Why should it be the responsibility of the school to provide materials or work for a student when they are home for a snow day!

Like I said before, these were the days for lessons learned at home. I always kept the ingredients on hand for making chocolate chip cookies. The ones from scratch, not in the tube. And when they were younger, I would supervise, but as they got older, they were responsible for making them on their own. In that you have a science, math, and reading lesson.

There was always a stash of craft supplies on hand. There was no limit to how they might choose to use them. And you can do this even if you only have the barest minimum of things on hand. Newspapers, glue, crayons or markers and an imagination will go very far. There's an art lesson there. Building things with the pillows and cushions from the furniture is a lesson in engineering. No need to park your child in front of the TV or computer.

Snow days are the precursor to Take Your Child to Work Day for every stay at home mom. Let them help with sorting laundry (before and after), putting dishes away, planning meals, cleaning up after the outside snowball fight comes back inside.

Enjoy them. The days and your children. There'll be times down the road when you will be home on your own on snow days and go to reach for the chocolate chip cookie ingredients and, if you even have them, have to make the cookies yourself.

I've included a link to a notice that my daughter received from her school district. It's meant to help you avoid becoming a victim of the ice and snow. Hope you enjoy!

http://www.iwif.com/PDFs/Safety%20Tips/Walking%20Safely%20on%20Ice.pdf

Friday, January 23 - Walkie Talkie 101

2009-01-23T09:56:00.002-05:00

Pop Quiz - If someone put a walkie talkie in your hands, would you know how to work it?

We have several pairs of walkie talkies in our office. They are there for a number of reasons. Mainly they are there because the lunch aides must take one out with them during recess so they will be able to call for help should a someone become injured enough on the playground and can't be moved. But we also send out a walkie talkie with any teacher who is taking their class outside, including the gym teacher, and to keep contact with the principal during fire drills.

I have often wanted to put together a short video for the staff to view at the beginning of the school year because, as walkie talkies fall into the technology category, many of our staff are walkie talkie challenged. Really.

The first thing that I would tell them is that you must turn the walkie talkie on. It doesn't do anyone any good to have you take the walkie talkie outside with you if it is not turned on. This has happened many times.

The second thing would be that you should keep the walkie talkie on or near you at all times. It doesn't do anyone any good to have the walkie talkie on the bench by the swings when your class is over by the kickball field. This has happened many times. It's a little annoying when you have a parent in front of you who is there to pick up their child for some reason and you cannot get the attention of the teacher with the walkie talkie because the walkie talkie is either not on or it's in the equipment bag on the bench.

Third, use the ring key on the walkie talkie to get our attention in the office. Clicking the walkie talkie on and off doesn't do anyone any good. There are many other noises in the office at any given time and the clicking sound might not be heard. This has happened many times.

Fourth, HOLD THE BUTTON DOWN WHEN YOU ARE TALKING. This is a big faux pas. They will press the button down - we hear the beginning of the message and then dead air. I can't begin to tell you how many times this has happened.

Fifth - please speak in a normal voice and hold the walkie talkie several inches away from your face. There are those that think they are secret service agents and must hold the walkie talkie right up to their mouth and whisper, while there are others who think they need to yell. This doesn't do anyone any good if you can't understand a freaking word they're saying.

Sixth - if we call you, please confirm that you have received the message. Some days I do my best parrot imitation trying to get a message to a class who is outside with the walkie talkie. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I'm not signalling planes flying overhead - do you hear me?????

Seven - you do not have to hold the walkie talkie up to your ear to hear - it's not a cell phone. Really.

Pretty basic don't you think? Easy to follow instructions. I could even do it without the sarcasm - it would kill me, but I could. Not going to happen though.

Friday, January 16 - Tardy

2009-01-17T17:27:00.002-05:00

Well, that wasn't exactly the post that I had intended for yesterday, but seeing as today is actually Saturday I thought it would be fitting. Of course, I can hear some of you saying - not showing up on the day you're supposed to is more than just tardy, but let's not go there.

When students come into our school late they have to sign in in the front office, get a late pass and report to class. Probably, a pretty standard procedure for any school.

The doorbell will ring, the student comes into the lobby and, god-willing they will remember that they are supposed to report to the office first. In our office I sit behind a counter that while it allows me to see who is passing by does not allow for quick access to the office door should a student forget to come into the office.

Many is the time that I have had to jump up, circle the counter, and run down the hall to have a student come back and sign in. This is especially of comedic value when the morning announcements have started at the microphone adjacent to my desk. But, I have managed to manuever between the two teachers and one or two students doing the broadcast, around the desk, out the door and down the hall, all without having them miss a beat.

Once in the office the student (or parent who has accompanied them) signs into the tardy book.
Name. Homeroom. Time In. Reason. Simple right?

Well, don't forget that we're dealing with 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders. If a 3rd grader is the first late student, they usually need prompting for I've found that once the pattern is begun and you don't correct it - you're screwed.

Name. That would include first and last name. One morning I neglected to reinforce this rule and got a list of seven students by first name only.

Homeroom. Most students know this as it differentiates them from every other class in the school.

Time. Aha, another difficult one. First they must find the clock on the wall behind me. Then, they must be able to read time (yes, there are children of this age who still have difficulty telling time - sigh!). When they're completely lost, or there is a line of students behind them waiting to sign in, I'll throw in a save for them and give them the time.

Reason. Most of them generally put "late" as their reason. But there have been those that have come up with some colorful excuses. "My sister threw up on my homework." "We didn't get one green light this morning." "I was watching the World Series last night." "My alarm clock broked."

When writing out the late passes, I usually refrain from the lengthy reasons. I'm sure the teacher will be hearing about it anyway.

So as I sit here hoping that you are filling out my late pass here is my info:
Name: Lorraine HR: N/A Time: 6:00 p.m. Reason: Medical .

Without going into details, I am going to be home for the next 6-8 weeks recovering from surgery. I have asked some of my buddies at school (who know about this blog) to keep me primed with their observations about life in the school office which I'm hoping will keep me in material for that time. But, if there's anyone out there who would like to guest a Friday between now and March, just let me know.

Friday, January 9 - Regifting

2009-01-09T00:01:00.001-05:00

We've just been through the Christmas holidays and with that comes the inevitable teacher gift season. At least if you work in an elementary school. Once you get to the middle school level the gift-giving is usually not of the good kind.

I was lucky? enough over the course of years when I substituted to have been on some long-term assignments right before the holidays and received some gifts myself. I have a few teacher mugs, tree ornaments, candles, boxes of candy, etc. The last year that I actually worked in the classroom as an aide with a SPED teacher and a 3rd grade teacher, we all were privileged to get a lovely gift of a framed pink flamingo - complete with feathers, in a white lattice frame.

Of course when you open up these gifts in front of the students you give them the look of awe and say that it's beautiful. Because you never really know if the child has done the shopping or the parent. I've found the prouder the child is of the gift, the more likely they were the one who picked it out. Then you put it aside and think to yourself "what in the world were they thinking?" or "what the hell am I going to do with that?"

A teacher once told me she calls those kind of gifts "gosunders" - the ones that go under the bed until you find someone else to regift it too. You never want to put them up for sale in a garage sale you're having if you live in the town you teach in. And you don't want to put them in the holiday gift collection box around the holidays just in case the parents are on the wrapping committee. So you save them for donations to white elephant or penny sales that your mother, or grandmother or great aunt's "club" is having. Of course, you're doomed to keep it if it has your name on it.

Now not all gifts are worthy of regifting. There are those that you just have to keep as a gag gift for someone (the pink flamingo worked well in this category), or as a conversation piece. And usually, it's pretty tacky to try to pass off baked goods to someone else as something you've baked yourself. Boxed candy is okay though - that is, unopened boxed candy.

In our district parents are encouraged to make a donation to the education foundation in the teacher's name and the donations go to assembly programs and school grants. It's a nice idea and keeps the chocki's off your desk. But I've gotten off track.

What I wanted to share was a story of a regifting incident from this week.

I was approached by one of our teachers with an inquisitive look and the question

"You collect birds don't you?"

"I have a bird, and I like birds, but I don't collect them. Why do you ask?"

"Well, I got this gift from a student. It's really cute, but I just don't have a place for it and I thought you might like it. Would you like to see it?"

"Sure."

And she ran back to her classroom to get it. It was really quite nice. A little ceramic bird in a cushioned box. As I took it out I said

"It's nice. It looks like a lovebird. What kind of bird is it?"

"Well, that's the funny part. The students asked the same thing. Turn it over."

"It's a Blue" and I burst out laughing.

"Yes, that's exactly what I said. It's a Blue"

"Oh my God, it's a Blue Tit."

What were they thinking!

Friday, January 2 – Death in the Faculty Room

2009-01-02T00:24:00.001-05:00

In last week's post I talked about sending an e-mail to the staff that might have had some negative reactions. It doesn't always happen that way. I try to interject a little humor, usually disguised as sarcasm in my e-mails. Since it was a slow week at work (only us 12-month workers had to be there and most of us used vacation time) I dug this one up from last spring.

It all started with this e-mail from a 3^rd grade teacher:

"Lorraine, I don't know if you're aware of this, and I can't imagine how it happened, but the large paper cutter in the lower faculty room is broken."

No I was not aware and, oh yes, it was broken all right. We're talking about one of the guillotine-type paper cutters. The metal hinge that attached the 30" blade to the wooden base was snapped off, and the blade, which is a pretty dangerous thing while attached to the base if not used properly, had become a lethal weapon just sitting there. It's not really the kind of thing that spontaneously happens, but I couldn't imagine how someone could do this and not let anyone know about it. So, here is what I sent out to the staff:

"Subject: Death In the Faculty Room

I am sad to report that the large paper cutter in the lower faculty room has been murdered. The arm is completely broken off – unrepairable – dead. There were no witnesses and there hasn't been a confession, in fact, we were only made aware of this dastardly deed today. Who knows how long the poor thing lie there unattended.

I'm thinking that we might have a serial killer at large. I don't know for sure if it was the same person that broke the laminator earlier this year (and we do know who that was by the way – thanks for your honesty (not!)), but I'm pretty sure that we'll find out that the perpetrator is "It Wasn't Me" or perhaps "I Didn't Do It".

Thank you for reading this and allowing me to vent – there will be a moment of silence today at 3:05.

BTW – I will be adding this to the book I'm writing as Chapter 6 – Honesty in the Workplace."

And the responses that I got included:

"My family always has a gathering after the services….

I will bring a Mississippi Mud Pie (traditional celebrations (good or bad) food…

Who is bringing the keg?"

……………………….

"I hope you are writing a book. You're a good writer.

Signed,

"It Wasn't Me" and "I Didn't Do It""

………………………

"HAHA! You are funny!"

…………………….

"You are funny. You are not going to pick us off one by one with the blade…. Right? Are you?"

…………………….

"that's awful: (But very funny, I can't wait to get my signed copy of your book!"

……………………

"Oh well, please make sure the sunshine fund sends flowers."

……………………

But the phone call I got was priceless:

"Geez, you scared the shit out of us!"

"What are you talking about?"

"The e-mail you sent! We thought someone really was killed in the faculty room and we got worried!"

"And you really think that we would notify you by e-mail?!?!?!?"

Friday, December 26 - I'm Not Your Mother/Saving Me From Myself

2008-12-25T23:55:00.004-05:00

After visiting our supply room earlier this week and seeing it in such disarray I grabbed my camera out of my purse and went back to take pictures. When I returned to the office I was voicing my frustration with the fact that the staff - who have unlimited access to the supply room - could not leave it in the condition that they found it. Empty boxes and wrappers adorned the counters and floor, while stacks of construction paper that had been neatly sorted according to color were now rainbow piles. It may sound like I have a touch of OCD, but I can assure you that I do not. But I do believe that you shouldn't just leave your garbage laying around. Especially if there's a garbage can within tossing distance. So I took some pictures and high-tailed it back to the office.

What I was going to do was write an e-mail to the staff and basically tell them that 1) I am not their mother and will not clean up after them, and 2) she called and doesn't like the way they left the supply room. And, of course, the pictures would accompany that e-mail (and possibly make their way onto this blog).

But here is what happened. Fortunately, there was a teacher in the office when I was telling the secretary what I was going to do and I am very greatful for what he said to me. He told me to do myself a favor and type up the e-mail if it made me feel better, but to send it only to him. He knew that he didn't make the mess, but that I might be alienating some of the staff by what I might have to say. He didn't tell me that I didn't have the right to feel the way I was feeling, in fact, he was very sympathetic.

I have to say that he totally caught me off guard. So much so, that I had to laugh at myself for getting so frustrated to begin with. Did I send the e-mail? No. And I know it was for the better.

One of my favorite sayings is "There's nothing wrong with thinking and talking as long as they're done in that order." Well, I think in this instance I would change that up to "There's nothing wrong with thinking and writing as long as you do it in that order....... and whatever you do, don't press send until you've had a chance to laugh."

Friday, December 19 - What Do You Do When......

2008-12-19T00:03:00.001-05:00

What do you do when ….

A third grade student comes into the office and says that they just saw a man in a black and white striped shirt and a black mask, with chains on, just go into the lost and found closet and steal everything and run out the front door of the school? And this all happened right outside the full-length glass door and two windows opposite my desk while I was watching the class line up and his teacher was standing right there.

Simple – you say excuse me and walk into the principal’s office who will take one look at you and ask you if you’re all right and you’ll try to collect yourself enough to be able to actually speak and tell him about the conversation you just had.

Or say when….

A fifth grade teacher calls the office to find out if the band members in her class are supposed to bring their instruments with them to the gymatorium for the winter band concert?

Simple – you ask her, while trying not to be flip, if she thinks they might need them to play the music everyone is waiting to hear.

Or during this conversation when….

A parent walks in to the office and holds up an empty toilet paper tube and says –

“I need to drop this off for my son. You know, you can’t buy these in the store.”

(Be polite. What did she just say!) “Excuse me.”

“You can’t buy these in the store. I’ve been to two stores and no one seems to know where I can get them like this.”

(Don’t you dare snicker. You can’t let her hear you snicker.) “How many did you need?”

“I don’t know, he said to bring in extras in case someone forgot theirs. So I went to the store and I couldn’t find them anywhere. I even asked the guy stocking the shelves and he didn’t know.”

(Damn, the other secretary is snickering. I’m not going to be able to do this.) “Um, you just have to buy the roll of toilet paper and take the paper off. Didn’t they tell you that at the store?”

“Yes, he mentioned that, but I don’t want to do that.”

(Oh dear God, forgive me and don’t let me wet my pants.) “Why not?”

“ What am I going to do with all that paper?”

And you hope that she will make it out the front door before you and the other secretary collapse onto your desks and howl with laughter.

Friday, December 12 - 23 Degrees, Feels Like 17

2008-12-12T00:22:00.003-05:00

We had a new heating and cooling system installed in our school over the summer. The air-conditioning seemed to work great. The heat – not so much. The daily routine now includes multiple visits and calls from every "Goldilocks" in the building letting us know that they are either too hot or too cold, and no one is ever just right. I'm pretty sure that we'll have this all straightened out by………..April.

So, in the meantime, there are classrooms where the teachers and the students have their coats on for the better part of the day. Well, I'm thinking that at least no one will be dozing off in those classes.

The beginning of this week was particularly cold. I know this for two reasons. One being the fact that the wind knocked the power out in the school neighborhood over the weekend and the heat was off, thus lowering the building temperature. This went undetected until Monday morning and, even though it's new, the new system needed time to "warm-up". I must admit that I had my coat wrapped around my legs because the office was very cold.

The second reason that I know this (besides having to walk from the car into the building) is because I have my computer programmed to have the Weather Channel update at exactly 10:45 each day so we can determine whether the students will be going out for recess.

We had a rule regarding the temperature. Had being the operative word here. The rule used to be that if the temperature was above 32° and the feels like temperature were above 32° that they would go out. Unless they were 5^th graders. The 5^th graders had the option of going out with even lower temperatures if they wanted to, as long as they were dressed appropriately. Now, this applies to all three grades. This also means that there is at least one teacher of the two on lunch duty that are willing to brave these temperatures.

On Monday we had low inside temps and the outside temp was 23°, feels like 17°. We were able to persuade our teacher in charge of 3^rd grade lunch to stay in because the nurse had expressed a concern over children with asthma going out in such cold weather. I don't know what the 4^th grade did, but the 5^th graders were again given the opportunity to go out if they were dressed appropriately.

So herein lies the problem. Who decides what is appropriate dress? Normally you would hope that on a day with those temperatures children would come to school with long pants, long sleeve shirts and coats. Given our heating situation, you might even expect most of them to have a sweater on or a sweatshirt. At the very least, they would have a coat. No?

There are children dropped off in the morning wearing shorts and t-shirts and apparently it is not cool to wear a coat to school on the bus if you're a fifth grader. And I know that you're probably thinking that maybe they can't afford appropriate clothing but that is not the case in our district. What is happening is the parents are unwilling to stand their ground.

A mother actually called the office after school that day and wanted to speak to someone who could explain to her why her son was not allowed to go out to recess because he did not have a coat. He had a sweatshirt on and that's what she deemed okay for him to wear to school. After attempting to explain to her that while she might feel that was okay, we would not necessarily know that, and he or other students might have coats in their lockers and say the same thing. She continued on to tell me that you don't get sick from being cold, you get sick from germs, and why should he be punished because some other student was hiding a coat in their locker.

I would have liked to go on with her and ask her if she really thought that it was possible for two teachers to physically check 120 lockers within a couple of minutes to determine that no one was hiding coats, or whether it would be better to enforce the rule so that the majority of students could get outside in a reasonable amount of time. But I didn't. I would have liked to ask her what we would say to the parent who called up to complain that we let their child go outside with just a sweatshirt on because they were unaware that the child got on the bus without a coat. But I didn't. I would have liked to ask her if she would go outside without a coat when the temp was 23°, feels like 17°. But I didn't. I would have liked to tell her that she had no common sense and her child was spoiled because of it. But I didn't.

Instead I told her that she would have to speak to the principal. I have no idea what the outcome of that conversation was. I forwarded the call and got my coat on to go home.

Friday, December 4 - When You Can't Let Them See You Laugh

2008-12-05T00:40:00.000-05:00

I may do a lot of griping about my job, but there are some times when I am forced to hold back the laughter and handle the situation at hand. Especially with the students.

For instance when -

The bell is going to ring in 10 minutes and a chubby little 3rd grader with frizzy blond hair and pink glasses comes into the office and stands in front of my counter with a lovely turquoise shoe in one hand and the heel in another -

“The nurse said she can’t fix this and I should come to the office.”

And I, trying not to laugh, because I’m not sure what the nurse wants me to do about it, invite the child around to the back of my desk and we proceed to go through my desk looking for something that will fix this shoe. I find tacks and staples, paper fasteners, and paperclips, and each time she shakes her head and I can see that this is so not funny to her. We finally decide that the way to go is with masking tape. I pull off a couple of pieces long enough to secure the heel to the shoe at least, we hope, long enough to get home. We agree that we have just invented “Shoe Band-Aids”.
………………………………..

Or when -

Fourth grade recess is just about over and the nurse brings in a student, 4th grade boy, with an ice pack on his ear. She tells him to go around the counter so he can tell me why he is here to see the principal –

Dead serious and without a tear he says, “There’s this girl in my class and she’s been yelling at me and poking me and I’ve been putting up with it until now. This time she went too far and tried to pull off my ear.”
………………………………..

And definitely when -

One of the fifth grade classes is having a “healthy snack” party that they earned for something or other. The teacher calls and says he is sending one of the girls to the office to see the principal. She has been picking up the boys in the class – that is grabbing them and lifting them off the floor. When she gets to the office she marches up to the counter and tells me that she’s here to see the principal. He is in with a teacher so I ask her to sit down and wait.
Minutes go by and she asks me if he knows that she’s here to see him. I tell her that he knew she was coming. Ten more minutes go by and she’s been fidgeting the whole time. When I tell her to stop the fidgeting she jumps up and demands

“Well I want to know just who he’s in there with and if he knows that I’m missing my party!”

Friday, November 28 – May I Have Your Attention Please

2008-11-27T22:24:00.001-05:00

This being the week of Thanksgiving also meant that we had Parent/Teacher Conferences and a single session day on Wednesday. On single session days I, the school clerk, get to control the dismissal bells. I also get to make any announcements regarding the bus order, which was the case on Wednesday. I got a call from Transportation alerting us that our normally late bus, Bus 5, would be early, and our regular buses, Bus 20 and 24, would be late. This meant letting the staff and students know what the changes were. How to keep that from being confusing!

So, before it was time for the first bell, I picked up the mike and made the announcement. I thought it was pretty clear, but the teachers with bus duty who were waiting in the office were commenting about whether or not that was going to be understood. These are 3^rd, 4^th, and 5^th students we're dealing with.

I looked around – the principal was not in the office – so I said "do you want me to make sure" – they said "yes".

Mike in hand again -

"This is a test. (Pause)

Those of you who ride on bus 5 raise your hand. (Pause)

Now look at your teacher and tell them which bell you're using today. (Pause) (Pause)

The correct answer is the first bell."

And with laughter in the background, I pulled the bell.

We only had one misguided bus 20 student who came down at the first bell and no missed buses for the day. It worked!

When the teachers came to sign out some of them were chuckling about that "test". One fourth grade teacher said that one of his students went pale and said "she can't see us, can she", to which he calmly said, "if I were you and on bus 5, I'd raise my hand."

Friday, November 21 – Hello, Operator

2008-11-21T17:59:00.001-05:00

Does anyone remember what a telephone is? I mean a real telephone, the kind with the spiral cord? Well if you're over the age of 10 you probably do, but I'm beginning to wonder about those who are under 10.

When my children were younger we used to worry that they would never learn math because of calculators, or that they wouldn't know how to tie their shoes because of Velcro, and telling time would be difficult unless it was a digital clock. I have to honestly say that the telephone is headed in that direction.

In our office at school we have phones on our desks (behind counters) which have a multitude of buttons and lights and that all-familiar spiral phone cord which keeps us chained, um, I mean close to our desk. We also have a phone attached to our copy machine which doubles as our fax. This phone is your traditional beige push-button phone. It sits on a counter across the room.

When students need to call home for something, their teacher will send them to the office to use this phone. They are not allowed to use the teachers' phone or their own cell phones, if they have them, and believe me, more of them have them than have not these days, and no child is putting their little paws or breathing on my phone. So, when that book report or sneakers are forgotten, when "their mom doesn't know they have afterschool choir practice" (even though we assure them that mom signed the permission slip), or when they've dumped their lunch on themselves, they come to use that phone.

Now there are some rules about using that phone. The music teacher does not allow her students to call home for forgotten instruments. They are not allowed to call home about play dates. You must leave a message on the answering machine and not just hang up due in part to caller ID at home and parents panicking when they see that the school has called and no one left a message. And, if there are any changes in how they are getting home, one of us in the office must actually speak to the parent (which means touching the phone that the grubby hands and breathing…… I think you will get the picture.)

But what I have found quite interesting is the number of students who come up to use the phone and have no idea how to. Come on now! It used to be that you didn't get out of Kindergarten unless you knew your phone number and how to dial it! If the phone is not portable or a cell phone they don't get it.

I have had students come up to use the phone and tell them that it's over there on the counter and they have no idea what I am talking about. It's not in a cradle, it's not cordless, and it certainly cannot fit into your pocket.

Better yet are the ones who do pick up the receiver and put the mouthpiece to their ear and the earpiece to their mouth with the cord draped over the top of their head. Yes, it's true and it's happened more than once.

Then they have to make the call. It would surprise you to know how many children do not even know their telephone number. I'm talking about children in 3^rd, 4^th, and 5^th grade. Part of that is owed to the fact that mom and dad each have a cell phone, they themselves have a cell phone, and some households do not have land lines anymore. (Which always makes me wonder what those people do when there is an emergency in their home – but that's for another time and another place.) And then there's speed dialing when grandma is #2, Dad's work number is #3, etc.

So I will look up the phone number in our school emergency directory and hand it to them on a post-it. If they say that they know it I will ask them to tell me first. You do not have to dial the area code of the area you are in, and they don't know this, which is why I ask them to tell me the number – so I can tell them not to use the area code.

Yesterday a third grader came up to use the phone. She had forgotten her parent pick-up note and wanted to call mom. I asked her if she knew mom's number.

"Yes."

"Tell me what it is."

"555-5555."

"Okay, good. The phone is over there. (OMG she doesn't see it) Over there on the counter (she still doesn't see it) The beige thing with the buttons (okay, good, she found it…….why is she staring at it) Pick up the receiver (OMG she doesn't know what that is) The thing with the cord on it (she picks up the whole phone) The thing on top with the curly cord (okay good, she picks it up...... why is she staring at it again) You have to press the buttons to make the call, remember your number (she presses 9085555555…..aw geez, the damn area code, the phone starts making that screechy noise with the message I can hear across the room IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL PLEASE HANG UP THE PHONE AND DIAL AGAIN) Sweetie what is your number?"

"555-5555"

"Okay, that's all you have to dial, hang up the phone and try again (why is she staring at me) You have to hang up the phone to try again (OMG she's crying now) Don't cry, just put the thing in your hand down where you found it and then pick it up and try again (She's staring and crying now) Honey, just start from the beginning and push the buttons like you did before without the 908 and remember to leave a message if the answering machine comes on)."

At which point my phone rings. When I pick my head up she's headed for the door.

"Did you talk to mom."

"Yes, I told her that I forgot my note."

"Is she going to bring one in for you?"

"No, she's going to e-mail my teacher." (Which is only good if the teacher is actually in school that day and can read their e-mail, but I'll have the teacher remind the parent of that.)

And she runs out of the room. Seconds later I hear that screech again……..IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CALL……….look over at the phone and the receiver is laying up and down on the face of the phone, nowhere near the cradle.

But at least her shoe laces were tied.

Friday, November 14 - Pediculosis

2008-11-14T16:47:00.001-05:00

The word of the week is Pediculosis, and before you go looking it up, it means Head Lice. We tend to find out about this in various ways and this week it was while I was retrieving the absence messages.

"Hello, my son …….. in Mrs………..'s class will not be in school today because he has, because, because of head lice."

Step 1: Forward the message to the nurse (scratch my head)

Step 2: Tell the secretary so we can get the notices in mailboxes (she scratches her head, I scratch again)

Step 3: Tell the principal (we scratch again)

Step 4: Call Transportation to have them wash down bus, get seating chart (scratch some more and listen to them tell you you're making them itchy)

Step 5: Page the custodian to remove and bag carpet, stuffed animals, etc. Provide teacher with garbage bags for students to put their lunch boxes, coats, and backpacks (scratch some more, using both hands)

Step 6: Nurse notifies the staff via e-mail (virtually everyone who walks into the office is now scratching and complaining of being itchy)

So this is how it goes for the next two weeks. The students in the offending class will have their heads checked. The students on the same bus with the lousy student will have their heads checked. Various teachers/staff members will also have their heads checked regardless of their proximity to the offending classroom or any of the students.

I have to say that this parent who called in was very brave. She definitely did the right thing which is more than can be said about some of her peers.

It appears that this mother was seen by a teacher in the grocery store the night before she called in to report the head lice. The mom was buying the stuff you need to treat it and she was overheard saying that she wished that the school nurse would check the students' heads so that this could be stopped. Apparently she was aware of other families who were having the same problem.

Our teacher immediately piped up and asked the mom which school the child attended and it was ours. Our teacher told the mom that the school nurse does indeed check the students heads if she is aware that they need to be checked (someone has to report it, there's no such thing as random head checking). Our teacher encouraged the mom to call the nurse in the morning to let her know what was going on.

When our nurse did call back the mom who left the absence message, knowing about the grocercy store conversation prompted her to ask the mom if she knew of any other students. The mom said yes, but was unwilling to name names. Our nurse asked her to contact the parents and have them contact the school so that we could avoid the spread of these little buggers.

Not one called. So hopefully, we will be done with this in 2 weeks. In the meantime there'll be a whole lot of itchin' goin on!

And I have to close with this –

Our principal came into the office at the end of the day snickering. He said "you see what I have to deal with." He told us that a third grader had come up to him and told him that he was very lucky. When he asked the student why he thought he was lucky the student told him…..

"Don't you know there's head lice in the school?"

"Yes."

"Well you're lucky because you're the most protected. You're bald."

Okay, you can stop scratching now!

Friday, November 7 - In-School Election Results

2008-11-07T19:30:00.000-05:00

Our students had an election of their own on Tuesday. After attending a special class with the Enrichment teacher over the last week, they were going to be choosing a theme day that the whole school can participate in. The choices were: Wild West Day, Hawaii Day, and Disney Day.

We thought for sure that Disney Day would be the winner, but we were wrong. They chose Hawaii Day. Now the Principal will have to choose the date for this day.

We looked up information on the internet about Hawaii to help him out and found out that May 1st is a special day in Hawaii. May 1st falls on a Friday this year which would make it a good day for a "Theme Day." The Hawaiian equivalent of May Day is Lei Day in which the Lei is celebrated.

One of our 5th grade teachers has come up with a slogan for our theme day: "Welcome to S........ B.......... School - Where Everyone gets Lei'ed".

I think we'll be looking for another date!

Friday, October 31 - Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T18:12:00.001-04:00

The man who delivers the interoffice mail for our school district is also a bus driver. He usually comes in mid-morning with the mail from the other schools. He's a might curmudgeonly and you can barely get a "hello" out of him most of the time. Here is our conversation from yesterday.

"So R......., are you dressing up for Halloween tomorrow?"

"Yup."

"What are you dressing as?"

"A bus driver ............................................. and I hope all my passengers dress up as Casper so they'll all disappear."

Did I mention he does the high school route?

Friday, October 24 - Notes to School

2008-10-26T21:35:00.000-04:00

One of my jobs as the school clerk is to handle the absence notes. It's also my job to handle all the daily changes in dismissal, be it issuing a bus pass, or adding the student's name to the parent pick-up list, or keeping track of who is attending what Brownie or Girl Scout meeting on that particular day.

These notes are brought to the office, along with lunch account payments and class attendance sheets, and deposited in either of two wire baskets on my counter. One is solely for lunch money, and the other holds attendance and notes. It says that on each basket – LUNCH or ATTENDANCE and NOTES. Most of the students are savvy enough to figure it out, but there are those who walk in and stand there holding the papers in their outstretched hand. I'll show them the baskets and they walk away happily knowing that they have made the delivery.

Occasionally, a teacher without a homeroom will walk in and present me with an errant note that has been found on the floor in the hallway. Unfortunately, they too have been known to stand there with the paper in their outstretched hand. Now I know they can read because they have obviously read the piece of paper in their hand and know that it is not just a piece of litter, but I bite my tongue and calmly point to the correct basket. I'm sure they walk out mumbling under their breath "Bitch".

All notes and attendance are supposed to be in the office by 9 a.m., so at that point I begin to sort the items in the baskets. I sift through the note basket for lunch money envelopes and get them into the right basket for the cafeteria lady to pick up. Then I take out the attendance sheets and do the daily attendance. Lastly, comes the notes.

I'm sure you've heard the excuse for students not having their homework "my dog ate it." Well, sometimes, I wish the dog would have finished eating some of these notes. Bad enough that I actually have to physically handle all of them (I have thought about wearing gloves and a mask for this), I also have to file them in the correct place. The bus pass requests and pick-up changes go into my daily folder. The absence notes go into a file in my desk. What's that you say? They don't go to the nurse? Oh no. My nurse doesn't want them. She doesn't want them unless they're a note from a doctor. So they are filed in my desk. The sick notes. The notes from every child who has had a headache, toothache, cold, sore throat, earache, stomach ache, diarrhea, fever, flu, bronchitis, asthma, etc. God only knows what I have brewing in that desk drawer. One thoughtful parent this week put the note into a plastic zip lock sandwich bag……..because the dog really took a bite out of it! It's nice how they had enough time to find a plastic bag but not a new piece of paper!

These notes come in all shapes and sizes. I get everything from the 1x2 inch post-it notes, to whatever the parent can find to write on. Earlier this week I got a note scribbled on a white napkin. The kind you get from a fast food restaurant. The funny thing is that this afternoon that same mom brought in another note on a brown napkin. I asked her where this one was from. She told me she thought that it was Taco Bell. She said the white one from the other day was from MacDonalds. Now I believe in "Going Green" but this might be taking it a little too far.

Then there's the deciphering part. A note reads "To Whom it May Concern, Please send aksir home on the bus 15 today" signed by someone who writes in a foreign language that I am not fluent in. This is not good in many ways. No teacher name, no decipherable student or parent name. The only information I have to go by is the bus number. I like puzzles, but not this kind. It will probably take me until lunch time to figure this one out.

Going back to that note let me say that I can't understand why a parent would write a note to the school and begin it "To Whom it May Concern". Do you think it's because they don't remember the teacher's name? I can tell you that the answer to that is yes more often than you would think. (I can also tell you that sadly, they often don't know the bus number and if it's a dad, he probably doesn't know either.)

Sometimes we get emergency notes faxed in. We got a fax this week that read:

"To the School Office,
Please send B….. home on the bus today. He should not go to aftercare. Also, please make sure that he gets his cell phone back from aftercare. It is a $400 phone and I need it back. Please remind B….. to bring home his science book so he can study for his test. "

If I could respond to this parent I would say – B….. is in 5th grade. B……. knows that students may carry cell phones but are not allowed to use them to play games in school or aftercare which is why it was confiscated. If B…….. was responsible enough to carry a $400 cell phone then he should be responsible enough to carry in a note for a bus pass and not have you have to fax one in every day this week. B……. has a teacher who I'm sure reminds all the students to take their books home to study for tests.

But the note that made me laugh this week was as follows:

"Mr. ………, Please have C…….. take home the bus today"

I sure hope that C……… has a place to park that bus and remembers to bring it back tomorrow!

Friday, October 17 - Classroom Pets

2008-10-26T21:23:00.000-04:00

This week I had a conversation with a fifth grade teacher:

"I'm thinking of getting a pet for my classroom. Can I have a pet in my classroom?"

"No!"

"Really?"

"Just kidding. What kind of pet were you thinking of?"

"Something soft and cuddly. My doctor has a cat in his office. How about a cat?"

"I don't think so. Get a hamster or a gerbil?"

"No, they remind me of a mouse. Maybe I'll get a turtle."

"You can't have a turtle because they carry salmonella. Ask the nurse."

"Oh no? No turtles?"

"Yes, no turtles. Why don't you get a hedgehog?"

"A hedgehog! Hedgehogs aren't soft and cuddly. They have spikes."

"And a turtle is soft and cuddly? Get a fish. Someone here had a fish tank they were giving away."

"I want to give the students a responsibility. I don't think fish are enough of a responsibility. Are you sure I can't have a cat? Even if I keep the door closed? My doctor has a cat and they keep it in the office with the door closed."

"Oh yeah. I bet your doctor has mice, or he had mice."

"No. He doesn't have mice. They have a nice cat that stays in the office."

"Wait a minute. What kind of a doctor keeps a cat in the office?"

"You weren't supposed to ask that question." (She says as she's backing out the door.)

"Oh no? Come on. What doctor are you talking about?"

"My vet."